Tales from the sweat shop...

Back from AZ and feeling good (mostly because I haven't logged into work yet this morning but whatever) It was 85 and Sunny lots of the time I was there, and I totally got my Vitamin D replenished by lounging around in the sun like a lizard.

I also got a huge project that's been weighing on me since the fall done, dusted, and delivered to owner, which is a big f*cking aaah, I must say.

The ordeal is chronicled on my Flickr page, but here is a summary couple of photos:

With 18 blocks made and no will to live, this was the final design

Need a quick fix to feel like you've accomplished something? Make a pillowcase

Done, approximately 12 hours before takeoff. Blue was the right choice (thanks becky!)

Az was a whirlwind good time. Ok, not so much whirlwind since my people there are not tasmanian devil types, but I did manage to drag everyone out for a hike. Ok, little dude thought we were hunting for Bigfoot, but I will use whatever means necessary.

"I think I see him!"

Pictures from the middle of the hike are spotty, because it takes both hands to coerce the unwilling. Picture a little blond kid screaming and crying about how he hates hiking and I suck, picture me laughing and walking away and you pretty much have the experience.

Wild Cows. Seriously.

In other news, I continue to insist I can learn to sew. Here's the latest, which I would have made right on the FIRST TRY except that I forgot to put the handles on.


Other news includes the search for a house, as the farm does not seem to be working out just so. We've found a couple that we like, but nothing firm yet. I'll keep you updated.

It might not look like much...

but I pretty much feel like I just gave birth. Finally, I have made a bag that resembles something at least a 5th grader made in home ec, instead of kindergarten.

Cheesy Salesmanship 101: Learn to read warning signs.

The history on the situation: Don't know if I recounted this bit of my adventure, but at about day 3 of 14 in Alaska this summer, I noticed my elbows and butt were getting a little wet. The elbows I originally attributed to maybe having some shirt material sticking out my wrists and water wicking up. The butt I had no explanation for, but didn't really think about. Most of the time it was covered by my pack anyway, so it was easy to forget about. Over the course of the next couple of days I frequently said "huh. What IS this white stuff all over me?" Turns out it was the Teflon lining of my rain gear. I hadn't even thought to look at some of my gear before I went out, because I'd had it for so long (since my freshman year of college!) and it had always been so dependable. I laughed at weather, HA HA HA! I figured out that my Teflon was leaving town at about day 6, when it began coming off in sheets and my raingear became essentially windgear (still very effective in it's own way). It was at about day 7 that we headed to Cordova, annual rainfall in excess of 200 INCHES in a year. It rains a lot in Cordova as it turns out...

So I compensated, and overcame:

I have GLAD power bitches!

Anyhoo, skip forward to present day. In an unprecedented show of patience, grasshopper I have been holding on to an REI gift card I got for Xmas. I *could* have run right to the store and spent that shit, believe me- but I held back. I knew I needed some new rain pants, and my grand plan was to wait until dividends came through, then combine the power of dividends with gift card, and a member sale discount and get the ULTIMATE BARGAIN!!! (insert booming superhero-y voice here)

Dividends came in yesterday, with a 20% member discount announcement, so last night I packed it up and headed to REI. A girl only has so much willpower.

I grabbed one each of the 5 most likely candidates to be my new pants and got down to it. At about this time, cheesy smiley sales guy is all "can I help you" (wink, wink fake smile!) I say no thanks, because I'm way adept at putting on pants by myself at this point and send him packing.

Holy mother, I had no idea how frustrated I was to become. I won't recount the whole ordeal, but let me paint you a picture: Me, on the floor of REI, struggling to get in and out of all these pants while wearing my pants and boots (so as to keep it real for how it would be in the woods), only to find that SOMEONE's new brilliant policy was to shrink the leg zippers so that they no longer easily go on over boots. I was a frothing, writhing, profaning, half in my pants bottle of fury unkempt when who comes on over sporting a big cheesy smile but cheesy sales dude. Noticing the tirade of profanity issuing forth from the half dressed person on the floor he kneels down, smiles real big and asks if I'm sure I don't need his help. I bellow "I HATE ALL THESE PANTS", and then a light goes on, and calm spreads forth. Why be miserable alone? So I gather up the best cheesy smile one can manage when half in a pair of pants one hates and say "yes, I would love some help", and then cheesy sales guy gets a little taste of what it's like to run with the KS.

I talked to him about what I was looking for in pants, and then we walked around. I told him what I hated or didn't love about every pair of pants he pointed out. There were issues with too short zippers, too long zippers, ugly zippers, bulky zippers, hard to work zippers, bad pockets, lack of packability. He had no idea how much was wrong with so much of what they had in stock. When I was able to narrow it down to 3-5 pairs I didn't hate, I insisted we then go (together! 4-eva!) on over to the shoe dept, where I asked him to procure me a pair of boots like the ones I have for hiking, and then I made him sit with me and listen while I tried them all on with said boots, while sitting, standing, pretending to be stuck in the rain etc. I am quite convinced he has never had an experience like that. I either made his night or taught him to leave well enough alone when someone says they don't need help.

Eventually I was able to find The Pants, The Bargain and The Zipper of my dreams. $200 pants? 60 bucks bitches! Then I ran home, put them on with my new coat and jumped in the shower. Yep, they work.

Next up is a new backpack, maybe since we're so tight now I'll specifically request him to help with that. ,My shopping trip went straight from zero to hero when he came back on the scene and I can't wait until we work together again.

Drooling

Over this thing.

In my fantasy, me and my tiny laptop travel all over the world eating delicious pastry.

Judas Priest anyone?

So while I was sick dog maintained a bedtop vigil, making sure that things like squirrels and deer didn't surprise me in my weakened state. Who says you can't look badass from under a down comforter ?

The figure stands expressionless
Impassive and alone
Unmoved by this victory...

Happy VD! (What does VD mean to you?) aka how to drive men wild

To me, it is now and forever linked with Vomiting and Diarrhea. Yes, my inner feelings on the grossest of manufactured holidays became tangible this Saturday when after a lovely farm morning, some together-y type errands and a lovely dinner cooked with care by HN I promptly began vomiting and other ending at roughly 10 minute intervals and just stopped this very afternoon.

I am the sexiest, and also the most satisfying to cook for, no? And if throwing up someone's hard made dinner isn't enough to drive your man wild, spend the next 3 days telling him that what he can do for you right now to make you feel better is just leave you alone because you can't keep anything he would bring you down anyway, and you don't want him to hear the vile noises you didn't even know you could make. Send his hard cooking ass to the couch to sleep so you can writhe in peace and with room! That'll teach him. (invite dog into bed for company, even though there is a mutually agreed on "now that dog has lots of access to deer poop, no more dog in bed" policy. Explain dog can be in bed even though you just turfed him because she's comforting, like a big deer poopy teddy bear. Men love this one!)

Also, don't shower much. Aside from being too weak, it allows you to cultivate a look and smell that he has a right to know about if you're serious. It also takes some of the heat off of how dog smells.

If said rejected boyfriend gets quiet or sounds comfortable, develop urgent need for glass of ginger ale. Then a glass of water, then a glass of seltzer. It is important to require a full repertoire of beverages. If boyfriend does not look confused by the 5 beverages you have standing everytime you request another one, you are doing something wrong. Cry if necessary. Hell, cry anyway. Why be miserable alone, when you can confuse and confound those around you?

This is my secret. Go in peace. MWAH!

Last week I.....

Drove cross country in a way too big truck,

Played fetch all over this joint,

Chased and caught an honest to god tumbleweed in Texas, then brought it home for HN,

Moved to the farm!

More pictures later. It's snowing here and this joint looks like a Currier & Ives tin. Miss thing and I have been playing in the woods for our midday breaks, today I will bring the camera.