To me, it is now and forever linked with Vomiting and Diarrhea. Yes, my inner feelings on the grossest of manufactured holidays became tangible this Saturday when after a lovely farm morning, some together-y type errands and a lovely dinner cooked with care by HN I promptly began vomiting and other ending at roughly 10 minute intervals and just stopped this very afternoon.
I am the sexiest, and also the most satisfying to cook for, no? And if throwing up someone's hard made dinner isn't enough to drive your man wild, spend the next 3 days telling him that what he can do for you right now to make you feel better is just leave you alone because you can't keep anything he would bring you down anyway, and you don't want him to hear the vile noises you didn't even know you could make. Send his hard cooking ass to the couch to sleep so you can writhe in peace and with room! That'll teach him. (invite dog into bed for company, even though there is a mutually agreed on "now that dog has lots of access to deer poop, no more dog in bed" policy. Explain dog can be in bed even though you just turfed him because she's comforting, like a big deer poopy teddy bear. Men love this one!)
Also, don't shower much. Aside from being too weak, it allows you to cultivate a look and smell that he has a right to know about if you're serious. It also takes some of the heat off of how dog smells.
If said rejected boyfriend gets quiet or sounds comfortable, develop urgent need for glass of ginger ale. Then a glass of water, then a glass of seltzer. It is important to require a full repertoire of beverages. If boyfriend does not look confused by the 5 beverages you have standing everytime you request another one, you are doing something wrong. Cry if necessary. Hell, cry anyway. Why be miserable alone, when you can confuse and confound those around you?
This is my secret. Go in peace. MWAH!
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1 comment:
Awesome.
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