Cheesy Salesmanship 101: Learn to read warning signs.

The history on the situation: Don't know if I recounted this bit of my adventure, but at about day 3 of 14 in Alaska this summer, I noticed my elbows and butt were getting a little wet. The elbows I originally attributed to maybe having some shirt material sticking out my wrists and water wicking up. The butt I had no explanation for, but didn't really think about. Most of the time it was covered by my pack anyway, so it was easy to forget about. Over the course of the next couple of days I frequently said "huh. What IS this white stuff all over me?" Turns out it was the Teflon lining of my rain gear. I hadn't even thought to look at some of my gear before I went out, because I'd had it for so long (since my freshman year of college!) and it had always been so dependable. I laughed at weather, HA HA HA! I figured out that my Teflon was leaving town at about day 6, when it began coming off in sheets and my raingear became essentially windgear (still very effective in it's own way). It was at about day 7 that we headed to Cordova, annual rainfall in excess of 200 INCHES in a year. It rains a lot in Cordova as it turns out...

So I compensated, and overcame:

I have GLAD power bitches!

Anyhoo, skip forward to present day. In an unprecedented show of patience, grasshopper I have been holding on to an REI gift card I got for Xmas. I *could* have run right to the store and spent that shit, believe me- but I held back. I knew I needed some new rain pants, and my grand plan was to wait until dividends came through, then combine the power of dividends with gift card, and a member sale discount and get the ULTIMATE BARGAIN!!! (insert booming superhero-y voice here)

Dividends came in yesterday, with a 20% member discount announcement, so last night I packed it up and headed to REI. A girl only has so much willpower.

I grabbed one each of the 5 most likely candidates to be my new pants and got down to it. At about this time, cheesy smiley sales guy is all "can I help you" (wink, wink fake smile!) I say no thanks, because I'm way adept at putting on pants by myself at this point and send him packing.

Holy mother, I had no idea how frustrated I was to become. I won't recount the whole ordeal, but let me paint you a picture: Me, on the floor of REI, struggling to get in and out of all these pants while wearing my pants and boots (so as to keep it real for how it would be in the woods), only to find that SOMEONE's new brilliant policy was to shrink the leg zippers so that they no longer easily go on over boots. I was a frothing, writhing, profaning, half in my pants bottle of fury unkempt when who comes on over sporting a big cheesy smile but cheesy sales dude. Noticing the tirade of profanity issuing forth from the half dressed person on the floor he kneels down, smiles real big and asks if I'm sure I don't need his help. I bellow "I HATE ALL THESE PANTS", and then a light goes on, and calm spreads forth. Why be miserable alone? So I gather up the best cheesy smile one can manage when half in a pair of pants one hates and say "yes, I would love some help", and then cheesy sales guy gets a little taste of what it's like to run with the KS.

I talked to him about what I was looking for in pants, and then we walked around. I told him what I hated or didn't love about every pair of pants he pointed out. There were issues with too short zippers, too long zippers, ugly zippers, bulky zippers, hard to work zippers, bad pockets, lack of packability. He had no idea how much was wrong with so much of what they had in stock. When I was able to narrow it down to 3-5 pairs I didn't hate, I insisted we then go (together! 4-eva!) on over to the shoe dept, where I asked him to procure me a pair of boots like the ones I have for hiking, and then I made him sit with me and listen while I tried them all on with said boots, while sitting, standing, pretending to be stuck in the rain etc. I am quite convinced he has never had an experience like that. I either made his night or taught him to leave well enough alone when someone says they don't need help.

Eventually I was able to find The Pants, The Bargain and The Zipper of my dreams. $200 pants? 60 bucks bitches! Then I ran home, put them on with my new coat and jumped in the shower. Yep, they work.

Next up is a new backpack, maybe since we're so tight now I'll specifically request him to help with that. ,My shopping trip went straight from zero to hero when he came back on the scene and I can't wait until we work together again.