I'm sorry, that's just wrong.

Thanksgiving: the bug report version

Scenario: I was extended, and accepted, the offer of spending Thanksgiving with HN and his family. This was fabulous because a)it negates the need for me to drive home, b)provides HN time, and c)his family has some pretty righteous cooks. I was excited
We were actually going to be the ones cooking dinner, but plans changed for many reasons and we were put on "just show up with some side dishes" patrol. It's cool ese, I was pretty much concerned with one and only one thing: delicious turkey dinner. I was even feeling so good I offered to be the one who ran to the grocery store for all the last minute stuff ON THE MORNING OF THANKSGIVING WHEN ALL THE CRAZY PEOPLE ARE OUT. Because I was glowing with anticipation of the bountiful feast that accompanies this blessed day in our history when we honor the pilgrims (who were so crazy even the Quakers thought they were nuts) for bringing smallpox and alcoholism to the Indians (who are not really from India). So I do my thing, go to not one but TWO grocery stores, because Whole Foods is so cool they're closed on Thanksgiving. How progressive. Silly them though, they left all of their outside stuff outside. People were filling carts up, then trying to go inside to pay for it and being confronted by locked doors with "closed" signs on them. I didn't take anything, but this is Baltimore. Whole Foods totally got robbed at least a little on Thanksgiving (but seriously not by me. I have a karma fear and am sure someone would choke on any food I stole and I would feel like I brought it on).

So with WF closed, it was off to the neighborhood grocer, with a list that had been prepared with WF in mind. Which is to say, they wanted fancy organic stuff and some stuff that was just fancy. So it was like a SuperFresh scavenger hunt, where I try to figure out what is the ghetto mart equivalent of the schmancy goods on the list. One hour and 3 cart collisions later I make it out with 90% of the list contents. good enough for me!

Anyhoo, fast forward through the day. See me making pies, rolls, cranberry sauce. Picture a whirling dervish of domestic skill palpating around the kitchen and producing results and you pretty much have the picture.
HN is producing mulled wine (HOT!), which I sample a little of and look forward to more of. I'm hanging out in his house, thinking I'm ready to go.

EXPECTED: I would be considered acceptable and we would drive over to enjoy a delicious dinner.
I mean, seriously:
Loose fitting pants? CHECK
Comfy sweatshirt? CHECK
sensible shoes, so as to avoid any untoward events that might take place after a few drinks? CHECK.
Do I or do I not sound ready?

ENCOUNTERED: people start talking about how we should "dress" before we head out. My brain starts doing that thing where it knows something I don't want to know and is just going "shhh, don't listen to them. You look fine" and I blink once (handy trick when things that should not be happening ARE happening. It can actually make them go away) It doesn't *always* work though. So I blink again (which also sadly doesn't always work), and HN and his dad are putting stuff down and seriously leaving to go "dress" I finally manage to inquire as to the dress code for the evening, at which point I am informed that they are going to "dress a little nicer" oh. Well, I guess I better "go dress" as well. How civilized.
So I head back home, shove myself into a respectable outfit and console myself with the idea of turkey and booze, and gravy. Oh gravy, How do I love thee? Let me count the ways... But I digress...

So we arrive safely at the outlaws' house (not in-laws but outlaws! get it? I kill me), and I immediately dive face first into the mulled wine and the cheese plate and life is not so bad, even with high heels and respectable not loose fitting pants. I might just make it after all. Only...

EXPECTED: I would walk into the kitchen and see the delicious TURKEY DAY Turkey in some state of undress (They don't do stuffing, I was warned. Traumatic, but minor in the end so I won't dwell. there are other things to put gravy on, I'll be ok) Anyhow, I walk in with my mind full of possibilities: maybe they are rubbing butter on the turkey like Martha Stewart does, or maybe they're salt rubbing it: maybe it's something I don't even know about that they do to their stuffingless bird... Who knows?!


ENCOUNTERED: There are 2 geese GEESE on the counter. I leave the room and come back, still geese. I blink once, twice, a third time and it is still f*cking geese! Canada geese, which are essentially like pigeons but bigger. I am being fed pigeon for Thanksgiving, aka TURKEY Day. THERE WILL BE NO TURKEY, TO GO WITH THE NO STUFFING.

I take a deep breath. I had turkey last weekend (but not enough! If I had known I would have had more!) and I will have turkey next weekend (and I will make up for this dark time). I am able (with the help of some mulled wine) to get my emotions under control, and come to terms with the fruit stuffed pigeon on the counter. This could be ok. I mean, I might like it right? I wasn't really believing that for a second but I said it to myself like 100 times, and by the last time it sounded so almost true. So I looked at the situation as a chance to try something new, which can be delicious sometimes, like feta cheese, or spinach. I mean sure, when I express my controlled surprise and tell them I've never had goose and they compare it to the dark meat of chicken, duck, and liver in turn, I felt a little ill, because I find all of these things to be gross and offensive and not things I want on TURKEY Day, but they could be wrong. This might just work out after all.

Alas, it did not. It did taste like dark meat of chicken, duck and liver. and I did find it didn't suit my palate, so I did the adult thing; I cut up my meat into little pieces, washed some down with mulled wine and then hid the rest under my salad pieces. I would have slipped it to the dog but she's old and I'd have to yell to get her attention.

It was not a total loss though, there was (in addition to delightful company) a number of delicious side dish options. I learned a new lovely cauliflower thing, I voluntarily ate squash with kale, I had rolls with BUTTER because there is a minimum fat/triglyceride count that is mandatory for the day and I was desperate, and I had a delicious red cabbage dish. And there were mashed potatoes, so I was able to gravify something, which helped. But I won't lie: when they all started going on about how awesome the goose was (I had until this point held out the hope that it was gross because something was wrong with it, but it turns out it's just gross), and how their new tradition should be to make goose instead of turkey, my first thought was that my new tradition was to go somewhere else.

I hope everyone else out there had delicious turkey filled days and nights.