When it rains it pours. But just because it stops pouring doesn't mean it's done raining

I know how you feel, man. And also, his body is actually wider than his head. He looks all alien in this shot, but I do feed him.

I'd love to give you info on how the cleansing eating is going, but since I'm bleeding to death AGAIN I'm basically on a red meat and caffeine diet. By AGAIN I don't mean "another month" even though that shit does piss me off on the regular- and I don't care what people (mostly guys and my mother and my sister) say about it being natural it is not natural for ones lady bits to leak one's own life force down the tubes all the time, it's the ultimate act of betrayal by a region I'm usually so appreciative of. It's my blood and I need it to live!

No, I mean AGAIN as in AGAIN since last week. Last week I made the mistake of walking by Melanie who was all a la menstrual and since I am not woman enough to resist the siren song of any other female's pheromones, I instantly began bleeding and I was all "ugh whatever, at least it's out of the way early this month" only Nooooo, my shit's on a schedule so even though I had my "visit from Aunt Flo" THE LEAST WELCOME GUEST EVER last week, that ho is back in town. I'd use BF's analogy about guests and fish smelling bad after 3 days, but it just doesn't seem appropriate in this case. Hate stupid 2nd consecutive week period, and now I shall take my stupid zitty looking skin (am I 12? am I 16? In which case, where are my perky 16 yo boobs please?) and my stupid water retaining *everything* (seriously. I'm like a fucking dromedary right now. Does anyone need anything delivered across the Sahara, because I'm fairly confident I could make it) and my bad attitude (ask anyone customer service rep who has looked at me funny at all this week), and go cry (and yell and sulk) into the coffee I made and dumped 3 packets of hot cocoa into because it just really needed more cowbell. and then I'm going to go eat some more meat and try to staunch the bleeding, or dull the pain with advil until my eyes burn.

Anatomy of the perpetually menstrual

Back to my roots

You know what we haven't talked about in a while ? Cleansing. "Cleansing", as in that kind of cleansing. Not that I'm irregular or anything, but it's been a while since I actively focused on picking up the pace if you know what I'm saying. I think it's about time to make some things happen.

I never did quite work up to doing a full cleanse, and it's not going to happen now but I think I can meet myself halfway (what?).

I'm still working my way through the contents of my cabinets and making decent progress but I think I can find a way to combine the 2 objectives: cleaning the cabinets and cleaning my innards out. To that end, it's legume week here at casa de awesomo and I have some cannelini beans soaking right now that should do the trick. I'm thinking a take off on cassoulet tonight. I have some sausage and some bacon in the freezer and onions and peppers that should be used like yesterday. I'll have to buy some kale to beef it up a little, but I have pretty high hopes for this one. I'll check back later, and expect some gory details regarding diet and results as the week progresses.

I didn't think of this until after breakfast, but to make up for it I just had a bowl of spinach, carrot and beet salad as big as my head so I feel pretty good about today.

I'm also formally instituting vegetarian 2 days a week, possibly 3. I've decided I have to assign the days though, because otherwise I lose track of it (Mike, so much makes sense right now!)

So the days in question will be Tuesday and Thursday (umm, starting Thursday I guess) . Sunday is my cooking day, which means meat, and then Monday for leftovers (of the meat). By Tuesday I should be sick of whatever I made Sunday and be ready for a break. Friday and Sat are just too unpredictable to plan for. So there it is. My new life in a nutshell.

Doesn't it sound awesome?!

perspective

I just got off the phone with Kelly. She is HN's sister, she is a Naturopathic dr, and she has been in Haiti for 2 weeks as part of a group from Portland that includes firefighters/paramedics and some bunch of other people (blah blah blah, just because they're important details doesn't mean they hold any more relevance for me than other kinds of details!)

Here is a link to her blog and to one of her friends' blog, her friend is also an ND who is there with the same group. They talk alot about what it is really like there, detail the work they are doing (grueling stuff), and give info on the relief organizations they work with. If you're looking for a place to throw cash at, this one seems to actually be getting things done.

Suddenly the UPS thing seems less annoying.

why is it all SO HARD?!

I'm trying really hard to be a good person so the universe doesn't send me another gajillion dollar tax bill for my bitching, but UPS just RE-delivered the package. The one I refused a week ago. The one I ordered 2 weeks ago (paid extra for 2 day delivery). HN accepted it and I had to chase the dude in my bare feet and with a towel on my head to refuse it again (past the warring neighbors with the cop in the middle of them. Any other time I'd stop and stare but I'm on a mission). Then the driver looks at it and says "oh yeah. someone's written refused in tiny little pencil letters right here in the corner. Why is this in my truck?"

No idea dude, but seriously, please return it this time. Pretty please.

Let me also note that when I check the tracking info:
1) shows a day delay for emergency weather on Thursday.
2) showed a status of delivered. I called UPS and made them call the driver and ask him to change it right quick so as not to F up the return I'm starting with Amazon. Conversation with the UPS Help dude:

Him:"But maam, I show it delivered. This is a problem"
Me:"You're telling me. Call the dude in the truck, I'll hold. "
Him:"Miss, I believe you must call Amazon about this"
Me:"Oh I will. But I'd like you to call the dude in the truck"

Insert cheesy music here, and the status now says refused again. Please Mr, for the love of everything holy, SEND THE PACKAGE BACK. You're making me annoyed and blacking up my karma and I don't really have that much left to spare!

I take a deep breath and wash my brain of this as of now.

/rant (seriously this time)

The Karma Police totally came and arrested this man

Ok, so I'm done ranting about the camera ordeal. UPS came, I rejected the package. I actually felt kind of bad for the guy, he looked like a beaten dog and I think he might have been just about to die of exhaustion. I didn't even have the heart to make any of the digs I spent days dreaming up. I was going to say things like "The Mail got here, UPS sucks" and "Fedex got here, UPS sucks" and things along that line but I looked at him and just realized that would be the extra petty icing on the petty cake and that since I'd already bought a camera and wasn't in fact waiting for the package anymore, I could just look at that and be happy and get over it. (note: it was still a little satisfying to reject it. I actually said "I reject this" Empowering.)

Before I cam to this place of understanding though, the Universe caught a whiff of my bad juju though and sent the postman a knocking with some NOT COOL stuff. I'm all "stupid UPS the mail can get here. I LOVE the mail. I HATE the UPS. The mail is awesome."

and then the mailman drops off a tax bill. Sha-bam!

From 2007 return, which was for 2006, which was an exceedingly stupid year for me, when I hired a person even worse than myself at filling out forms to help me with my taxes, and then I forgot to bring a W-2 for a job I held for a few months- contract position, no taxes withheld of course. So in the end, my fault, and it's taxes I should have to pay blah blah blah but it compounds the fact that for the 2009 year, I already have to pay what I consider an inconvenient sum. We switched banks or something at work, which coincided with my getting a raise so when I saw a bump in my paycheck, I presumed it was the raise at work.

I was half right. It was also the new bank at work, because they randomly decided to WAY under withhold my state taxes (for reasons my comptroller has still not been able to define) so that this year when I filed, TurboTax was all "ummm, we don't know how to tell you this but your refund is MINUS Sum X" and I was all "TT, dude. Do the math again. I claim whatever is the number where they hold a lot out" and TT was all "umm, nope we're right. Get out your checkbook. Look how much less you paid last year than the year before" and they were right so I called my comptroller and she was all "Ohhh yeah, how weird. I have no idea what happened.", which makes 2 of us, but it made me pretty sad to owe X amount of dollars. Then I got over it, and began my campaign of hate against UPS and bragging about how awesome my femailman was, and then she brought me a bill which means I know owe 2X amount of dollars. Double down and turn the corner!

Gross right ? So anyway, I did what anyone would do, which is go into the kitchen and start 4 burners and an oven's worth of food and make a crazy elaborate dinner for HN and myself, and while he wondered what he did to win the lottery and tried to ask without asking if today was our anniversary or something special (which in retrospect I should have had more fun with), I drank wine and took increasingly "artistic" (off center) photos of my food with my new camera and tried to forget all about the stupid "mail" and "tax bills".

I have the pics to prove it, but as it is now 4:30am and my airport ride will be here at 5:30 am (not going anywhere awesome, and my car is still buried) I must shower and not sit around transferring and editing weirdo semi drunken food pics. So that's that and I'll be back with food pics later, and maybe I'll also tell you about my whack nighttime experience, but I will definitely tell you that cinnamon and cardamom before bed result in some f*cked up dreams, so if you're going to make Moroccan food you might want to leave a bigger window between eating and going to sleep than you normally would.

Here's a little something for your trouble though. It's Kitty, contemplating what his life would have been like if he'd gone off to college like his parents wanted him to instead of settling down with his high school sweetheart and having babies immediately.

Update: UPS has STILL not gotten their act together

Despite the fact that every day I see UPS trucks driving down my street
Despite the fact that Baltimore has resumed mail, trash and all other services
Despite the fact that the snow stopped almost a week ago
Despite the fact that FedEx has managed to get me 2 packages in the last week

UPS HAS STILL NOT DELIVERED MY PACKAGE

The package has been in Baltimore since the 12th
The package was on the UPS truck friday (but not over the weekend, because I paid extra for 2 day delivery- I know, I'm still confused) but then
EMERGENCY CONDITIONS BEYOND UPS' CONTROL

The package was supposedly on the UPS truck yesterday but then
EMERGENCY CONDITIONS BEYOND UPS' CONTROL

I'd love to know what the emergency is. Do I need to be worried ???


The package is again supposedly on the UPS truck as of midnight today- they don't do Saturdays but they DO do midnights?

I just want you out of my life.

The irony is that I don't even want the thing anymore. I already went out and bought what I was waiting to have delivered. But I can't cancel the delivery. I have to be here to refuse delivery of the package. Sons of bitches.

Mein Kampf, and mein subsequent personal and hard won victory

a list:

1) Mein Camera:
As of noon Friday, mein* camera (*no, I'm not letting this go. It's the theme of today. Mein theme.)
was on the UPS truck in Baltimore, out for delivery. Things were looking up! I was so excited! I was speaking in exclamation points! It was annoying HN! Anyhow, there I was, composing mental lists of all the things I was going to take pictures of with my new toy. HN was going to be gone for the weekend, dog and I were going to have the run of the place/the best girls weekend ever, doing things like taking awesome pictures, exploring places to find things to take awesome pictures of, taking awesome pictures of ourselves and of course the obligatory watching chick flicks and crying at the sappy parts. The FedEx dude showed up with the case part of the camera shipment, camera and case having been shipped separately even though I told Amazon I would prefer one shipment, but whatever. So FedEx man mentioned the street kind of sucking, but that he remembered that from yesterday so he parked around the corner and walked up with the package. Smart, handsome FedEx man. Lithe and in shape, likely from all the times he walks from around the corner to get someone's package to them because he knows they probably *really* want whatever is in there.

By 4 pm, as I clicked "update my tracking" yet again on the UPS shit brown website, I noticed "delivery canceled. Extreme weather or conditions beyond UPS shit brown control" BULLSHIT. "Extreme weather?" Heeeellllllllll no! Just plain Nah ah! So I called UPS to find out what the hell was going on. The lady on the phone told me that the driver had signified unsafe roads or icy conditions and extreme weather. I asked her for more info, since the extreme weather had been gone for days and while my road was narrow and kind of sucky, it sure as shit wasn't icy, because in fact my neighbors and I have all been out in the road chipping ice every day, and ironically, today was the first day the road was well and truly clean. I mentioned how FedEx had been able to get here. "Oh. Hmm." She said. We talked for a bit longer, but she didn't have more info on whatever the driver was on about, she being in someplace not Baltimore and driver being unavailable to discuss. The info she did have for me though was that my package would "probably" get there on Monday. Why Monday I asked, I know UPS shit brown does Saturday delivery. I could possibly deal with a Saturday delivery, but if the thing didn't come until Monday how was I going to have the best girls weekend ever with my dog and my new camera? Huh? Yeah well.

She proceeded to explain that because I had paid 25 bucks extra for next business day delivery, that it could only be delivered on a business day, and thusly was being shuttled back to the warehouse for restocking and would possibly make it here Monday if the driver felt ok about driving. To be certain, I asked again. "are you telling me that because I paid more for expedited delivery, that my package will now be deliberately delayed by UPS shit brown?" She confirmed this, my blood pressure spiked with the stupidity of it all and she said "Yeah, I know right?" which at least helped a little because I had external validation that that was FUCKING RETARDED. So I asked her what I could do by way of getting it tomorrow and she said "well, Amazon owns the package until you take delivery, so you could possibly call Amazon, have them call UPS shit brown and ask to change the delivery method to one that allows for weekends" I was just getting warmed up, I can be inexhaustible at times, so I did just that. I contacted Amazon, and Davidliu L., in a land far, far away promptly offered to refund my shipping fee. She then offered to call UPS shit brown and talk to them (note: I don't think she was expecting me to say yes, as she sounded really surprised when I said "Please do") 5 minutes later she was back. It was going to be a long wait for the UPS shit brown phone call, they seemed really busy.
"Davidliu is it? You get paid by the hour right?"
"Yes maam"
"Excellent. It just so happens that I have ALL NIGHT for this shit, and I really want my camera. It's personal now. If you don't mind, I'd like you call UPS back, hang out there as long as it takes, and get me an answer. I'm just going to put you on speaker phone and do my own thing over here while I wait. I promise not to hang up and waste your time"
"Yes maam"

15 minutes later, Davidliu was back explaining to me that even though the girl at UPS shit brown had told me there was a Saturday delivery option, there was no way the order could be changed. According the UPS shit brown , Amazon owned the package until I take delivery, that's why I can't change the delivery method. According to Amazon, UPS shit brown owned the package until I take delivery, so Amazon can't make the change. or something completely fucking nonsensical like that, the end result being no camera for me. I asked Davidliu what she thought I should do, since I *really, REALLY* wanted my camera for this weekend and there was a lot of my happiness hinging on this (Yeah I know. Not a crisis, but I can be a bit obsessive and the whole thing was just annoying. HN told me to put this "crisis" next to Haiti and I declined, because this is about me)

Davidliu's answer "why don't you go to a store and buy one if you need it so bad, and then when the shipment shows up on Monday, you can refuse delivery, we'll take it back and you get your money back" She was definitely tired of me by this time. I've read about the hotbeds of sin that Indian call centers can be, and clearly I was keeping her from something awesome. Her tone was not one of "I'm trying to be helpful" it was definitely more "Please fuck off crazy lady" In fact, her tone was DARE! and I love a dare! Hate and spite are my fucking fuel, so when Davidliu threw the gauntlet, I picked it up and slapped UPS' face with it, just like Bugs Bunny used to do. "I WILL. THANKS FOR THE GREAT IDEA. I LOOK FORWARD TO TELLING THE PUSSY DRIVER TO SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS" I replied, and Davidliu thanked me for my call and we decided to part ways while we were still friends.

As soon as we hung up, a UPS shit brown truck went flying by my house. My blood pressure spiked so high I passed out, and when I woke up I immediately began scouring the MTA website for bus routes to get me downtown- my car is still buried, and I was so not motivated to dig it out, but I was fully angry enough to hop on a damn bus downtown. Just then, HN called from the road to check in and I related my entire saga to him, including my plan for how to overcome. "You're overreacting. Don't do all that, just wait until Monday. You won't do that. " Oh Really? Have we met? Is that a DOUBLE DARE? Game on! And also, I had a weekend planned that involved this camera dammit, and I am the steward of my own happiness and I intend to make it happen. Overreacting my ass.

Anyhow, I decided on the number 27 bus, which would drop me off in walking distance of the Best Buy in the inner harbor, where I had confirmed inventory of my camera. This would be my Saturday morning. I figured I'd kick it around the inner harbor some, maybe see the Wolfman movie while I was down there, stop by Lebanese Taverna and nosh on some authentic hummus. And I would thumb my nose at shit brown in the process. It would be grand. I would be so happy.

I spent Friday night getting caught up on missed TV shows, and then dog and I had a rousing 90 minute game of full contact basement soccer with new giant tennis ball. There may have been gin involved, but we both had a blast! Incidentally, last week someone asked my "Why a pit bull? Why a dog like that? I love my golden retriever" Lady, I think your golden retriever is pretty swell too, but if I ever body checked him, he'd pee his pants and feel really bad about himself and wonder what he did wrong to make me body check him. My dog body checks me back and steals the ball.

Saturday morning I woke up bright and early, extra motivated because today was the day that not only I would get my new camera, but the first picture I would take would be of my middle finger and I would caption it "This one's for you shit brown!". It was going to be awesome. I had a delightful breakfast of spaghetti and meatballs (when going into battle, eat well first) showered, dressed and moseyed on up the the number 27 stop. And waited. and waited some more. I had triple checked on the MTA website that very morning, and while they mentioned minor delays and route changes, they were pretty clear in saying that the 27 WAS running.

So I waited some more. Then my toes got cold and I began to lose heart, so I called my mother to recount the whole camera ordeal and worked myself back up into a fury and decided to take matters into my own hands. I would walk the bus route, so as to be moving and keeping warm, while also not missing the bus. and so I walked. For kind of a while, and the bus never came, but as providence would have it, just about where I got tired of walking I was outside A CAMERA STORE. Clearly, this was all happening for a reason, so in I went where I inquired about the possibility of purchasing a new camera and lo and behold THEY HAD JUST ONE LEFT IN STOCK. It didn't quite have my name on it, but that's only because they didn't know my name ahead of time. It was meant to be mine, and now it is.

The first thing I did after tucking my new best friend into my backpack was to text everyone I had been torturing with this ordeal to let them know I had won. Then I decided I should probably start trucking home, since seriously, the number 27 wasn't coming anytime soon and I'd have to rework the rest of my Saturday plan but that was ok because the major points were still intact.

Saturday was different than my downtown plan, but was still pretty awesome and Sunday was *just* like in my fantasy. Dog and I hit the road and went exploring, saw some mad interesting stuff, hit the mother lode of old rusty stuff, which as anyone knows is the best way to test out the close up and depth of field characteristics of a new camera, took a crazy interesting detour through the ghetto and came home. After a delightful lunch, I went out again on my own, ran more errands, went to the bookstore and came home just in time for a delicious dinner with HN and a bedtime made all the more restful by the new camera smiling at me from my nightstand. I dreamed in bokeh.

At this point, I'm going to dispense with the list, though there were more struggles and victories this weekend. I'll get to those in due time I suppose.
Instead, let's check out the wares from this weekend:

Let's call this first set: "I heart shallow depth of field/Yay! I have a camera that does bokeh/why does a new camera make my old stuff so much more interesting?"

Focus Near

And far!

Radiators rule for this!

Tuning up before the big show

Mr Llama in the morning

This second group we'll call "I love old rusty stuff" As in, I traversed almost a mile of this path so I could get to where I know the rusty stuff is at.

Thirdly, just cruising around Baltimore.

Evening light on the BMA

Unimpressed dog, at the end of the 2+ hour walk. Ready for lunch

Icicles in the ghetto. This was about when I realized where I was, so camera went back in pocket for safety reasons.