i am going to be a human coolatta. and it will be awesome.

i have a new plan.

every day it gets harder and harder to go to work. every day i spend the first 20 or so minutes of my day glaring at the world from behind the safety of my coffee mug, refusing to do anything or acknowledge anyone until the delicious brew has made it's way through my bloodstream and up to my head (however that happens) and i can speak in coherent sentences (it is no good to be nasty when you don't make sense and the thrill of verbal assault on an unsuspecting victim is all but lost if said victim looks at you funny, tilts their head to the side and says "huh? that doesn't make sense" argh.) so anyway, lately even my daily, sacred, beloved cup of coffee doesn't seem to be doing the trick. i'm pretty much counting on this stuff to be my artificial perk in a glass and i'm still pissed off all the time, and still barely dragging my ass into the seventh circle of hell for work.

perhaps i need a vacation;
perhaps i need a second cup.

but i have my second cup after lunch, i NEED a second cup by that time, to give me back a little peace and give me something to hide behind while i contemplate the new hates i built up during the morning and i do refuse to become a 3 cup a day person, because that is just one step away from a 4 cup a day person and it's straight downhill from there.

SO

to go seemingly off track for a mo, yesterday i was straight domestic goddess. i mopped for crying out loud, and i have never mopped with more than one swipe of the swiffer wet since i've lived here-seriously.the floors looked awesome, like WHOLE NEW FLOORS.

and in moving stuff around to prepare for this momentous event i stumbled across some turbinado and safflower oil i had bought a while back. i had been planning on making myself a sugar scrub, because i got some for a gift last summer and loved it but adam tossed it b/c he said it made the shower gross. so, in the name of undoing compromise i had gone out and purchased myself enough sugar and oil to create a lifetime supply of "F U take that stupid ex-boyfriend" sugar scrub. and upon finding the supplies last night, the plan was renewed, albeit in a more "i''m making this because i want to and i like it" way and not so much about what-his-face. (i think the plan originally stalled because there was so much "F U stupid ex-boyfriend" stuff to do i got tired before finishing. giving away his furniture on craigslist was like orgasmically satisfying and i think after that i just smoked a cigarette, rolled over and went to sleep on my rebellion)

so anyway, and here's the tie in: last night whilst preparing my concoction i decided to ask the google what else might be lovely and fun in my cosmetic chemistry set and it said to think about coffee for invigoration and other happy things on and under my skin (look into it) and so now i know the way.

i am going to rub sugar and coffee on my butt, and this is going to make me happy and perky. i don't see how this plan can fail, it's brilliant!

i'll let you know how it goes, but i do believe the principle is sound. if drinking coffee in the morning can make me so happy and alert and ok with the world, then how can slathering myself in it be even a little bad. i fail to see any flaw in this plan, and i am in fact clinging to it life a lifesaver floaty donut thinger 20 min after the ship has gone down.

more later, to be sure. this was a very exciting weekend and the week looks to be even more so. but right now i'm taking the grinds of coffees past and present - and by that i mean my cup o joe and the used grounds from said cup - and trying to get my butt in gear. meetings galore today, and i spent all the time i should have been preparing yesterday with my face buried in The Sun Also Rises (and Ernest you bastard, i love you, and so i will use capitals in your titles even though i think i know now who you're going to kill and who the instrument of destruction will be. sigh. i cain't quit you ern.)

and can we talk for a minute about the fact that you were hot? i never knew, never having cyberstalked your young handsome self. i've only ever seen this dude old.
i would totally do ernest hemingway. yowza.